by Frank J Miles
Judy — a Philly term the kids use for the next level higher than throwing shade. It is Biblical. It is homage not to Garland, but Judas. So far, there are three states, but more as the term goes national and global. There’s Judy. There’s Mercenary Judy. There’s Terrorist Judy. A Terrorist Judy sentence: “Wait, she thought she was the Beyoncé of the group — then who were the other two?! Gurl, please! She’s sooooooo not Beyoncé. She’s not even Kelly or Michelle. She’s one of those other girls nobody remembers the names of who Beyoncé kicked out of the group when she decided to lose weight, blonde her wigs, leave BET — and go on MTV, be a Pop Idol, and get bigger than Diana and Tina.”
Mean-Girl Electro — a subgenre of music that never fades, but just grows more severe and wicked. Envision the Blanks, misbegotten children of Jobriath and Klaus Nomi, au pair was Grace Jones, holding malevolent court with fans of peafowl feathers, throwing gargoyle shade. Glam ennui. Yawn. Take my vacuous photo, David LaChapelle! Mean-Girl Electro sounds like the screeches and cackles of some impish celebutantes in thick green eye shadow swatches. The rabid synths give the music’s fans an extra Shannen Doherty kick, tight cheeks, scowling eyes, as a gossip columnist stands in the glittered corner with his smirking arms crossed, while pretending not to listen. See: Ladytron, Crystal Castles, Simian Mobile Disco, The Golden Filter, the Motherfucker Party.
The Red Sea Dance — the strut Alpha Mary does to Mean-Girl Electro, parting the crowd of Club Kids with imperious poses and haughty twirls, sauntering back and forth, and back and again, and repeat. Think Michael Alig at a mid-’00s Limelight.
Cocktastic — a state of being where Mary looks more than fantastic, but sex-on-legs with steam coming off of him.
Twatever — a use of “whatever” with a dismissive flick of the wrist.
Juviepoof shenanigans — young Mary hysteria.
Being of the Gay — Juviepoof shenanigans at an older age, a more modest and subdued frenzy.
MIT — Mary In Training. “The kindergarten boys couldn’t wait to plant flowers, but actually dig in the dirt for worms, at the Earth Day service event – except for the MIT, who decisively told teacher: ‘Bleeechh! Ill, no, Miss Brooks — I don’t wanna get my hands dirty.’ Meanwhile, GM [Grown Mary — etymology: general manager] was not trying to dig either, instead pointing at the interns to do the hard labor all morning, so one day he could write this new slang.” See GIT (Gary In Training), QIT (Queen In Training), BIT (Bear In Training), etc.
Flintstone Vitamin — a 2010 twenty something a Mary is too old to be hollering at…. #puma #cougay #pedobear.
Junior Mint— tastes like a Flintstone Vitamin, but sweeter….
Artpoove — millennial artfag.
Artpomo — millennial artpoove that broadens the spaces of queer authenticity and showcases the fluidity of gender and sexuality. See: Celebrity (not yet out) artpooves.
Dupont Circle Closet Casual Formal — a self-explanatory style of dress.
Meepmeep — a shy, nebbish Mary.
Badeepadeeb — a fumbling, dorky Mary.
Boyo-boyo — a millennial Mary that appreciates all creative art forms.
Gary — millennial butch queen. A regular bro, not extremist, one thing or another, who may be misconstrued as straight-acting and/or straight-looking (etymology: guy + Mary) … “Gary was rugged and ready to rumble, dude, whatever, gender affectation, but he silenced doubts with a cross of his leg as he smoked his Gitanes Blondes Blue with a quiver.”
Civic — a run-of-the-mill Mary who likes to be misconstrued as straight-acting and/or straight-looking. 1st Real Girl-Girlfriend to Mary: “I think you need a new type. You need to go a little more boring – not boring, but less flash and more substance. Like a coupe: Broad shoulders, thick, beefy, naturally hairy, handsome, raspy voice like swallowed gravel, sweet man, heft. There’s there there. Look for kind eyes — it works.” 2nd Real Girl-Girlfriend to Mary: “It’s not about not finding a good person or not finding someone cute. It’s about the low-maintenance and substance of someone!”
Morset — an undershirt to make the top part of the body look more aesthetically pleasing that a Civic or other Mary who hates going to the gym may wear. See also: Mirdle, Manx.
Fabrix — a self-involved, self-referential, disaffected, affected, lukewarm, fickle, mercurial, all-flirt, no-payoff, sexually/politically/philosophically ambiguous poseur with, like, really deep thoughts, who must have years of blue balls from only speaking in monologues and soliloquies.
Jabrix — a Judy version of Fabrix. Rome is burning, and he’s looking cute in the mirror while being sarcastic and throwing gargoyle shade. Jabrix dates Daddies.
Gabrix — the extreme level of Fabrix, and the most insidious. He uses savvy and schmooze, rather than charm. He is chill and awesome, not great or notable. He uses network and smarm to get a bullshit job from power-gays — a job title no one outside a cosmopolitan city even understands. He is a layabout gadfly who would rather dream and pose rather than do and win. He imagines himself a flâneur, gadabout, and German words even Austrians who also speak Croatian, Hungarian, and Slovene don’t use.
Maureen — a Mary trying to do exercises like a marine where knee strikes land like high kicks and elbow jabs look like suburban voguing or cabaret auditions.
Duder Wears Prada — an easygoing but exacting creative, who is flavorful, chill, good-natured, and still able to get things done. See also: hipster doer, besuited aesthete, teetotaling flâneur, Anderson Cooper.
Frank J Miles writes about bollix and jokers because he can’t box. Trained in the Drill Sergeant Artpoove School, he currently is working on a Great Theme novel that provides socially responsible answers to our world’s most intractable problems, but, you know, amusing and funny. He is planning on turning his blog about cultural-war melodrama, deweylightfooot , into the magazine, Junkpunch, next year.
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